Friday, May 9, 2014

Mother's Day: Grief as My Critic


My mother died in April 2013 so this is the second Mother's Day since her passing.  Some mother - daughter relationships are blissful while some are full of conflict.   My relationship with my mom was closer to the latter.  Marked with misunderstandings and lack of appreciation on my part.  Better in the later years, for which I am grateful.

If your relationship with your mom or daughter is not the best it could be, will you indulge me and let me share what I have learned in my grief?

To Moms:  if your relationship with your daughter is not the best and you look back at shortcomings, just tell your daughter- "I did the best I could and I also know that my best wasn't always that good. I wished that those times could have been different."

To daughters:  sometimes Moms do the best they can, and at times,  it's not as good as it could have been.  You need to believe, and know, it was probably as good as they were able to do.  They did the best they could - even if it wasn't good.  Let it go.  Make the best of your time with your mom now.

My husband said I did the best I could.  I also know the best I could, many times, was not as good as it could have been.   It's time for me to let that go.

Happy Mother's Day Mom.  I love you.  Michele

19 comments:

Brandi said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Michele. My mom passed in September of 1997. It seemed as though the world stopped on that day. I'm glad you are taking steps to let things go. It will help as we deal with our grief.

LOvercash_1970 said...

What a wonderful message. Hoping for peace and healing for you this Mother's Day.

Row homes and Cobblestones said...

Michele,
I so understand what you expressed and this Mother's Day weekend will be more difficult personally than ever before. My Mom died in June of 2010 it wasn't until her last weeks we made peace, she apologized for years of childhood wounds and I knew I needed to embrace forgiveness which I did. Although honestly I don't feel I ever had true acceptance from my Mom.

I had one child, my son Chris who passed November of 2013. We had joy and total acceptance, there was understanding based on honesty, love and friendship. He graced me with grandchildren who own my heart ... but this weekend - it's already started the tears the overwhelming sense of loss.

Michele I am with you in dealing with Mother's Day pain. Others may say "oh it is only a day" but to us it is a milestone.

Be strong, be well, be happy.
Vera

René said...

Thank you for sharing this Michele. Sending peaceful thoughts your way.

Karena Albert said...

This hit so close to home Michele, I am in tears. Not the relationship with my Mother, we are very close, however with my daughter....I am trying to make peace and hope that one day she can let go of the past...

xoxo
Karena

Leslie Harris said...

Thank you for sharing your wisdom. The older I get the more I realize we are all just wounded healers, helping each other along the way.
wishing you peace on Mother's Day my friend.
xo
Leslie

Katherine said...

Maya Angelou said - 'I did the best that I could at the time and when when I knew better, I did better'.

Even strong relationships have their bumps. I sometimes wonder why my mother and I have struggled off and on, and yet my relationship with my own children is like a rock.

This Mother's Day I hope you think of the happy moments you shared with your Mom.

home before dark said...

Lots of wisdom pouring out already. We don't always get the mothers we want or need. We don't always get the child who is easy to love. Sometimes we need to forgive. Sometimes we need to remember and trust ourselves to decide what is best for ourselves no matter what convention or guilt may try to make us do differently. In the end, we must accept, endure, and thrive in a world maybe not of our initial choosing, but when there we may find that loving ourselves may be enough.

A Perfect Gray said...

thank you


donna

TSL said...

Your poignant post and the heartfelt comments which follow have such great value, I am deeply touched by them all. There is so much to be learned here. Peace and love to all.

Teresa Hatfield ~ Splendid Sass said...

Michele-
Thank you for sharing this heartfelt, sincere, and raw post. Many can't let go of the pain, so I am happy that you are so strong.
Happy Mother's Day to you. It is obvious you are a wonderful mom.
Teresa
xoxo

Red River Interiors,LLC said...

Thanks for a beautiful message. Being a mother and always knowing what to do is not easy. I'm blessed to have my 85 year old mother with me. My grand mother told me,"once a woman,twice a child" when she was in her 90's. I'm learning so much about me as my mother ages. Moms give us all the answers when we open our hearts.

Stacie@hometownperch said...

Thank you for this. My relationship with my mom is closer to the latter as well. Your advice is spot on. It is important that we love the mothers and daughters that we have--not the ones we wish we had.

I have to remind myself to not compare my mother and our relationship to those around me. It's hard though--my Facebook is full of friends thanking their "mom and best friend". Selecting Mother's Day cards each year is a challenge. It is hard to find just the right one.

Pat said...

That hit home. My very talented mom could have had such a career but never had the chance. I think her frustrations in life had an impact on her mothering and our relationship. Certainly my younger siblings fared better. I try to do better with my kids. "Happy family" is hard to achieve.

Bethany [at] Powell Brower Home said...

you sweet sweet lady. i remember hearing about her passing and i hope that this mothers day wasnt too hard on you. that was beautiful advice.

Elizabeth @ The Little Black Door said...

Thank you for sharing this Michele. I know that took a lot of courage and I also know how dealing with those feelings can be such a weight to bare. Best to you.

Annapolady said...

Three years for my mom. Thinking of you and all of those who have walked this path. xo

The SilverLyne said...

Hi Michele, I am just now reading your post. I can heavily identify with your comments. I struggle every day with my elderly mother. I chose to take the Christian approach when my father died 4 years ago. Not sure if I am doing more harm than good to myself. You are right, we are all doing the best that we can do with the knowledge and tools that we possess. Prayer is my only inner peace. Best to you!
Carla

The SilverLyne said...

Hi Michele, I am just now reading your post. I can heavily identify with your comments. I struggle every day with my elderly mother. I chose to take the Christian approach when my father died 4 years ago. Not sure if I am doing more harm than good to myself. You are right, we are all doing the best that we can do with the knowledge and tools that we possess. Prayer is my only inner peace. Best to you!
Carla

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